On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
last night I used snow as a chaser
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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