If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
