So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
