On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
