I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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