our cab driver is having phone sex.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
