I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
