Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
