My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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