GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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