im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
