Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
