FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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