Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
