I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
