I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
