our cab driver is having phone sex.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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