Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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