Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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