On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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