Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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