Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
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You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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