Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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