I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
