new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
