I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
This is my gift to your gina
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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