shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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