i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You can't just leave with hair like that
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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