His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
