Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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