Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Randomize
