i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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