maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
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at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
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He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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