is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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