i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
