If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I am one with the molecules
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
