Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Did you pee in the oven last night??
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
