Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
