I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
