Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
