do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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