My liver just broke up with me...
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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