Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
