I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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