hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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