I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
