im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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