OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Randomize
