Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I'm passing your future prison.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
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You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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