Fine. I'll sleep in my office
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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