I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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