I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
