I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
