How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success