it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
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you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
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He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do