There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I have fence marks all over my body
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
