Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Randomize
