the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
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so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
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at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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