I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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