i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Randomize
