She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
