He kissed a someone with a penis
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
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it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
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He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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