Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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