i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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