I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
