btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
