A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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