one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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