found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I'm at about main and main street
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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